Ahhh the revered, the loved, the coveted – confidence. It seems to be the gold standard that every person, certainly every woman, should attain. If I had a penny for every time I have heard a woman say this to another woman (and I’ve done it too, so no shame here!) “You just need to be more confident!” or “Just be confident!” then I would be a wealthy woman.
It’s like a thing that we all think we should have, but the reality is that most of us don’t quite know how to get it, or even what it really is.
Let’s break it down.
Confidence comes from actions you have taken in your past that make you proud and give you a sense that you could be successful at that thing again. Examples range from brushing your teeth daily, doing well in school, landing a coveted position, taking care of our basic needs, dressing well and talking to strangers.
Self-confidence is not quite the same thing.
Self-confidence comes from actions that you have not yet taken and yet having the absolute certainty and unwavering belief that you will create results for yourself. Even without proof.
Let me tell you why most of us discount true self-confidence and why it’s really what you should be aiming for instead.
We are wired as a society to be past-focused creatures. When faced with something new, we tend to look to our past for proof as to if we can “do it” or not. A big example is getting a promotion. If you have confidence in your ability to get a promotion, it is because you look to your past to find evidence – you’ve gotten good reviews from your boss, you’ve been promoted before etc.
It does show up in small ways too. If someone asked me to wear a super sexy bombshell of a dress to a wedding, I might think, “Well I have never worn a dress that tight before, I might not look good, no one has ever told me I might look good in a dress like that before. I don’t think I can pull it off.”
Instead, power comes from having belief in ourselves – without evidence.
This is how you can literally dream up any situation for yourself and then decide to go all in on it. This is creating something from scratch. It’s going for a promotion, even if you have never tried before. It’s wearing the dress, even if you’ve never worn something so sexy.
Self-confidence is truly the emotion that we need for growth. It’s our fuel to take massive action and the fire we need lit under our asses to say yes to situations that seem crazy.
Self-confidence is also more of a steady feeling than confidence. Self-confidence comes from your thinking. If you think a thought repeatedly it becomes a belief. It becomes part of your way of being.
Confidence requires you to analyze a variety of events in your past and make a decision to be confident or unsure.
One becomes embedded in who you are and opens up all possibilities. The other is a bit less stable and keeps us stuck where we are.
Now – please hear me. If you have confidence about yourself in one area of life, I’m not saying that is wrong. Or that you should stop. What I AM saying is that in order to move forward, break the mold and create the life you dream of, that won’t be enough. You need self-confidence for that.
I have created an amazing guide for you to download if you would like to learn even more about self-confidence. In the guide I include more useful tools and tips and include workbook sections to help facilitate your own self-confidence growth. Click the link below!
What are some skills that I can use to help me increase my level of self-confidence?
1. Have a Willingess to Feel
You might feel awkward, uncertain or scared when first presented with a possibility that feels impossible. You will want to run away from that feeling, because we have been taught that negative feelings are bad and in order to achieve goals, we have to feel positively. Here’s the thing. When you push feelings away- they get bigger. They get scarier. And soon they are so overwhelming that you give up completely.
Sit with the feeling. Allow the feeling. To learn more about this check out this post here.
2. Have your own back
You are making the decision to be the most authentic version of yourself by believing in yourself without any proof. You are cultivating the life you truly want. And guess what? Not everyone is going to agree with you. This might cause you to second guess yourself. And those negative thoughts might rush in.
It’s ok. It’s normal! You’re a human with a human brain that is designed to seek pleasure and avoid pain. So when you feel scared or your newly fragile self-confidence is threatened in any way, you will be tempted to give up. Don’t judge yourself for this or think it means you will never be successful. Just recognize what’s happening. Tell yourself it’s normal to have these reactions and don’t make them mean that you are wrong for dreaming bigger.
3.Manage your thoughts about yourself
What do you believe about yourself? That anything you desire is possible? That nothing is possible?
I want you to answer these questions with more than yes or no. Think about them and ask yourself why.
Notice, without judgment, where you might be limiting yourself. Then quietly and softly acknowledge those thoughts and remind them that they might not be true. It’s possible that there is another way of thinking. In other words, don’t indulge in the thoughts that are going to try to convince you to stop trying.
Let’s use this example thought, “I will never look good in a bikini again.” Instead of panicking that I shouldn’t be thinking that, or indulging in it by believing the thought, I could just say , “Oh hey thought, I see you. And it’s possible that you aren’t true.”
Literally, that’s it.
Don’t argue with yourself, especially when you’re first starting out! Over time this small, loving acknowledgement and dismissal will help eat away at those limiting beliefs.
4.Trust Yourself
People are going to tell you that what you want is unrealistic. Your own brain is going to tell you that you haven’t done it before, so it isn’t possible. It’s really important in those moments to remember to trust yourself. It’s no one else’s business what you are capable of. Only you need to worry about that.
If you’re not sure how to trust yourself, check out my article about it here.
5. Embrace Failure
If you’re anything like me – type A, perfectionist, goal-setter – this one will be rough at first. We believe that anything less than 100% is failure. And failure is the worst possible outcome and no one will like us and we will never achieve our dreams and we might end up homeless and on the street and starving and….. Breathe.
Here’s the thing though – you will fail. Think about a baby learning to walk. They fail over and over and over again. And some learn to walk faster than others. Neither one is better, the way they learn is just different. Most importantly, though – they don’t give up.
That’s the true lesson of failure- perseverance and learning. Every time you fail at something, you learn something that will help get you a little bit closer to your goal. As long as you keep pushing and never give up- that’s what matters.
For more info about embracing failure- click here.
Self-confidence is totally in our control. It is stable. It is empowering. Anything else that someone says regarding our thoughts about our ability to do, think, or create is a circumstance in our life. We don’t have to believe them. We get to decide what we want to think. So, if we get to decide- then don’t you want to choose belief in yourself rather than disbelief?
Decide right now how you want to feel about yourself and your future. If it’s self-confidence then be sure to get the free self-confidence 101 guide below to get started cultivating this in yourself.
